A Game and Gamble

Feelings, pulling, twisting
Never stable, open a vein
The rush, exodus, delicious
Watch the red flow.

I feel as if I'm in the closet,
Itching to break out, not knowing
Hiding from outside,
A mask, hard to take off.

How can I be
Homesick, when I
Don't have a home?
Nothing real to go to.

Itching to be myself,
Let the whole world know.
I have a secret, I can't control
I need to tell you now.

Sometimes I think:
The rest of the world
wouldn't miss me at all
They don't know me

So how can you miss,
A stranger, faint,
Invisible, walking,
talking, breathing

A shadow, no more,
Too much going down,
Hard enough, just surviving.

Getting through a day.

When all choice is taken,
Torn out of your hands,
Life becomes a game.
The game of survival.

What ever helps you cope,
For me it was pain,
Might still be, different
Kinds, ways to get through.

I look up, try to
Find a rainbow, but
The only thing there
Is a lone cloud.

I want that rainbow,
Need to hold on.
Rainbows and blood,
Go hand in hand for me.

Neither are my enemy.
Because life, and maybe death,
Will always be
A gamble after all.


***I wrote this poem but the BOLD phrases and words are quotes from Tricks by Ellen Hopkins (c) 2009 I give her full credit for her work. The words do not appear in the book in the same order I used them and some of the grammar and/or context might be changed. I added my own words (those not in bold) and arranged the phrases I am using from her book.